To start off, I hope that through this post, you may witness two things: one, God delights in using the small acts of His faithful followers as miracles which change the lives of others; and secondly, God can only place gifts in those hands which are truly open.

This year, though unquestionably blessed by moments of divine intervention, has not been the easiest year, for reasons both self-inflicted and beyond my control. I have learned a lot and am learning more about the choice for thankfulness and contentment and praise. That said, one of my poor choices dates back to my departure from Ecuador.

Whenever moving, each individual must process which things to bring and which to discard. That is where I was at, going through each item piece by piece and accessing if it was worthy of being included in my 50 lbs of returnable luggage to the states. It was in that time that I flipped open my billfold (which is highly more convenient than a girl wallet) and noticed a few items I had received at the beginning of semester—my Supermercado discount card and my laminated Ecuadorian address card. Both were now useless as I was leaving the country, but I stubbornly kept them.

Now don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong in keeping items for sentimental purposes, but that was not the heart of my reasoning. I kept those cards as a promise to myself, and a challenge to God that my time in Ecuador was not yet over. Word for the wise: don’t challenge God.

Anyhow, I moved back to the states, became extremely involved very quickly and forgot about the cards. However, every few months, I would open that portion of my billfold while going through receipts, glance at those cards with mild waves of bittersweet longing, and resignedly move on. As I have been applying with different mission organizations for positions following my graduation in May, I quickly thought of applying with Living and Learning (the Ecuadorian team that so positively challenged me), but something held me back, an unsettledness in my spirit. I would go to the application site and hover my mouse over the link, only to feel something inside quietly cautioning me not to so. And thus, I halted my wish to return.

This past Thursday was Day of Prayer at my university (a 24-hour period through which there are at least 2 students meeting together to learn and worship God through prayer). During Thursday afternoon, I drove to a nearby lookout of the Iowa bluffs and highway 80 to think and pray. It’s a great spot. The wind whips your hair around, the roar of high traffic drowns out all other sound, and the majestic view of river, forest, and hills reminds you with profound certainty that the concept of God is no myth (Wherever you are, I hope you know such a place.).

While there, God prompted me to open my billfold and discard the cards. Those dreams were not mine for the keeping. If I kept that dream, clenched in my hand, how could I ever be capable of accepting the true gift which God in His providence has in store. In resignation, knowing God had one yet another fight, I plucked the two cards from my wallet and tossed them into a nearby dumpster. Tally: Hosanna-0, God-…a lot.

Later that Thursday night, around midnight, I returned to my darkened dorm hallway to find a piece of yellow cloth left by the entrance of my door. As I unfolded it, I was surprised to find it as tall as me, and not just yellow, but red and blue—it was the beautiful and unmistakable Ecuadorian flag. I had surrendered those two, stupid pieces of plastic to God, and into my hands, He had placed an even prettier representation of that country which I hold dear. (Thank you to whoever through their generosity played a part in the divine lesson given to me on Thursday.)

I still do not know if I will ever return to the beautiful land of Ecuador, but I know that God’s plans are good. And now if I return, it will not be in self-righteous arrogance opposing God, but in gratitude to God.

How about you, my dear reader? Are you wrestling with God, trying so hard to cling onto some self-centered promise: like me, like Jacob, like the little girl clutching her fake pearls? Let it go.

Many of you are going through deep pain and questioning the authenticity of God’s love and goodness. Know that He does care. He is present with you during your pain. And He is not done with your story yet. It may be right now amidst this struggle that God is changing your name from Jacob to Israel.

Some of you are questioning if God is using you and the seemingly small acts on constant service and obedience to Him you provide. May I answer that with a resounding “YES!!!” You do not see, but God and others do. Galatians 5:13. My prayer for each of us is that in time, God might announce, “Your name will no longer be ________, but Israel.”